Wild Irish Fairy Tales

So I find Thursday here and still sick. Doctors claim I have pneumonia, pleurisy and “a touch of the flu”..Although I am still not sure how you get a “touch of the flu” but who am I to second guess the doc.

Life has pretty much been miserable. Sleeping mostly, taking meds, thinking happy thoughts. Happy thoughts haven’t been hard with my dose of Cough Syrup with Codeine. The temperature and the cough syrup have sure made my mind find some funny places to go. I think at some time I even went to candy land, climbed a candy tree, and somehow found myself playing with a large set of dice in the big Trouble bubble. Do they even make that game anymore? I can remember many fun nights playing Trouble…Just press the Bubble. *POP* *POP* *POP*
Ok I won’t get started on that one….

Anyhow, so I have found that the drugs I have been given have had some odd effects on me. I figure I don’t need to cover the Codeine. Come on, if you don’t know about it, I can’t tell you, you’re just missing out. The Prednisone is a new one to me. I thought I had taken this before but I had no memory of it making me want to do weird things for an hour or two. Not only did this stuff keep me awake, but it made me want to paint my walls. I found myself fighting the urge to paint. Like some kind of weird obsession I just couldn’t leave the paint bucket alone for to long. I got the paint out, then had to sit, breathe and rest. I got the brush and rollers, had to sit, breathe and rest. Got the bags on the floor, had to sit, breathe and rest. You get the gist. Now painting at anytime is never fun, so why, when I already can’t breath, would I want to paint?!?! Paint?!?!!? Well turns out after speaking with a few more knowledgeable people about this, that it is a corticosteroid. Now this is a steroid but not the same type of anabolic steroid that has gotten such a bad rap. Corticosteroids are drugs that are closely related to cortisol which are hormones produced from the adrenal gland. Not everyone experiences the hyper effect of this drug, and some even have some very bad side effects. It is just to bad these are so dangerous to take for very long. I could use a peppy pill like this when I need to get some house work done.

Hopefully I will be back to myself before long. I am going crazy not being able to get out. I actually really want to get back to work, I want to see people again!!! Not to mention, I can’t let everybody get to comfortable with my absence, they might like it to much….

Saturday found me back at work again.

I enjoyed going out and seeing everyone Friday. I did find a bit of a awkward moment. While talking to one of the band members. A lost friend of the not so distant past, approached us. He gave me a big hug, told me I was looking beautiful, and apologized.
Apologized.?.?.?
I found that within itself a bit odd since there was no real reason for his apology. Our history mainly consisted of him wanting to be with me (as in, more than friends) because I had some very close friends who were motorcycle enthusiasts, so to speak. We never progressed into anything (more than friends) so I found the apology a bit weird. He leaned in close and asked me if he lost his “phone privilege”.
Phone Privilege?.?.?
We talked on the phone a bit, not that much though..
Hmmm…Now how do I address such a thing? I pondered, stared blankly at him as I tried to understand where he was coming from with this statement…Luckily, I answered very simply..”My friends never lose their phone privilege”…

Way to go me..Nice save for a weird moment….

So anyhow, back to the night. A couple of friends were there. One of which almost drove me to straight shots of 100 proof anything just to listen to him ramble on for hours about a life that he only lived in his own mind.. Thankfully I had others there to redirect myself away from that mood killer. All in all, the night went great. Good Friends, Good Laughs, Loving Life!!!!

I did sleep a bit late. It was 1:30pm before I rolled out of bed. Feeling great, I hopped up out of bed, turned the heater on in the bathroom to get it nice and toasty for my shower, and skipped up the stairs. Checked my email, as I have done every morning for a month, always with the hopes there will be one special email there, alas it was not, perhaps tomorrow…

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! I hear those words over and over in movies, songs, books, self help, etc… Today I repeat that phrase. I state it loud…LIFE HERE I AM!!

I woke today with a feeling of renew. I have accepted the lessons given and ready to move forward. I plan on many great things happening as I journey down my road. Although the road I have been on has been rocky at best, I look back and see all the beauty I experienced while stumbling along.

As I sat at my kitchen table this morning, I watched out my window at the hustle and bustle in the streets below. Men and women scurried down the streets next to one of my favorite places, never stopping to notice the beauty of it. I looked over the horizon at the now visible lake as the sun sparkled across the water… It is indeed a beautifully golden world.

So now I take a minute to stop and write a blog, on my way out to do a bit of shopping with my mom and granny. Later this evening, I have a bit of an outing that I am excited about also.
More about that tomorrow…

When I was a child I use to dream… I use to dream of things that were not so obtainable.. I use to think of living on a rainbow, or dream of sleeping on clouds..Other Kingdoms by far seemed best. I use to dream of the perfect man, the perfect place, the perfect life…I find now that the perfect life is what I create. After feeling so alone while pretending to be with someone, I find, that I was better alone. I needed no special one, nobody to serve. It was all a ploy to myself. By giving myself completely, I thought I was somehow making someone else feel better, perhaps doing some right for them..What a strange concept.. I find now that I need to focus on the furture and that I can do things on my own. I am not happy with who I was, I am not happy with what I became, but I am happy with where I am going and who I am becoming.
No more!!
No more will I fall to the whims of another. No more will I compromise for someone else to be happy when there is no way for them to ever be happy with me.
I find some difficulties in this blog because I know however badly I want to post it, I will never find the courage to do so. I find it weird that I, the girl never lacking for speaking her mind, finds it hard to write her thoughts. Oh so many things I want to say, yet the words escape me..

UPDATE: Life does tend to take its turns. In those turns you learn more, gain courage, find some knowledge, and wisdom. I have decided to post this afterall. I am a new person, a different girl, yet the same. I have not learned how not to fall, but to keep my steps light, my eyes open and to understand I am walking over a beautifully laid gravel road.

Some recent heartach has had me a bit down lately. Luckily, I have some good friends who came to the rescue!! This morning, at an abnormal hour for me to be up, a friend called wanting to take me 4-wheeling. Now let me say, 4-wheeling has never held a big interest for me, but I decided it was a nice thing for them to do, so I got ready to go. .
So I get picked up at 6am (YES, I said 6am) and off to the mountains I went…We stopped just before we got to the top of the bumpy road, just to take in the site…My friend then hands me the keys and tells me I am going to drive the rest of the way while they walked ahead to direct through some rather sketchy places…WHAT!! ME!! DRIVE!!! I am the worlds worst driver. In fact I don’t even know how I got a drivers license..Now I am to drive over narrow cliffs?!?!
Deep Breath**
Ok some panic time later, I get behind the wheel of this huge truck. When I say huge, I mean I have to literally climb a small ladder on the side to get in it… So here we go..Manual..Ok think back, 1st is up and to the left..Lets go! I let off the clutch, lightly press the gas, and you would have thought this thing had rocket fuel in it..The front went straight up, jumped forward and took off like a bolt, almost plowing down my friend who quickly dived out of the way.. I slam on the breaks just as I hit the side of the mountain. One front wheel right at the edge and sliding in the mud that has developed from all our recent rains…Now what do I do? So I being bright as I am, put the truck in reverse and try to back up..Slinging mud right before it gains traction and back it goes…
Needless to say, I didn’t do anymore driving on our 4-wheeling expedition.

Although times have not been the best of late, I have also experienced some of the best of times.
Recently the most wonderful man invited me to spend some time with him in his Kentucky. It was a happy haven after such sadness filled my life. It was a most welcomed retreat from a harsh world. Although it did not assuage my anguish, it did offer a comfort far better than any I could have imagined.

My journey took me to many different places. Some of which included some old forts. These forts were awesome in comparison to the small one in my very own hometown. They were built to recreate those that stood in the vicinity so long ago. What a grand site it was to look upon them in their noble glory. Standing tall to offer some homage to those that fought and died to keep these precious lands. With a backdrop of lush green forestry these forts were indeed a glimpse into the history of our United States.

My wonderful tour guide then took me into some of the most serene country. A view of some land he is hoping to purchase reminded me of a dream I once had. Running up some long country road through rolling green fields. It was Beautiful!!
A nice jaunt through the peaceful Amish community was an almost intoxicating follow-up. I had never been through Amish country before so imagine my surprise when I saw them with their horse and carts, waving as we drove by. If it were not for an empty gas tank, I would have loved to have spent more time there, perhaps even purchasing some of their goods and such. Oh how nice it might be to live such a life free of many of the worlds economic pains. They do for themselves, self sufficient, and so very admirable in doing so. Oh how lovely it would have been to explore more of the grace and dignity of those humble surroundings.

Once we stopped and got some gas, my awe-inspiring tour guide swept me away for some more lush green scenery and a stop at the Shaker Village. I was so very disappointed that the rain came before I had a chance to walk through it. My Guide gave me the best driving tour though. He told me the history of the place, showed me where he worked for a time and gave me information about the place. After an amazing storm that didn’t even seem to scare me, he drove me to a local meeting spot. He introduced me to some very nice people and we ate some catfish that was delicious…

On to Louisville….
Churchill Downs…
But that is for another blog…

Have you ever had someone give you their thoughts, desires and feelings? Do they call you when they are feeling blue and when they’re feeling good?

When someone trusts you with their heart you should take care of it. You should hold it and embrace it. You should never judge or persecute. You should always take care of that person and hold them close to your heart.

I’ve opened myself just a little before and had it trampled on… Sorry, I’m not the one for that game. I’ve also had men open themselves up to me without me feeling love in return.

Plain and simple. We want what we don’t have. When we have it we hurt, manipulate and play games with one another. Now I know there are the exceptions. I’ve seen them. I’m trying to be one right now but should it really be so much work?

We want our partners to be jealous. We want our partners to feel angry. We want to evoke emotion. We want our partners to be passionate. If they aren’t passionate about us then who. We’ll do things to make them angry. We’ll do things to make them jealous. We trample on their self esteem.

As humans we need love, commitment and passion. Maybe not even with a partner but we do need it somewhere in our lives.

As humans we will do what we need to achieve this in one way shape or form.

Of course some of you are thinking that the most beautiful gift in the world is the giving of the heart. And it is!!! Just know that life isn’t a fairytale. There is a price for every gift given, especially your heart.